So, my middle school choir teacher died today. I understand it seems like a kind of removed death to be emotional about, but death is death and it evokes tears, sadness, and life contemplation out of me no matter who it is. Here’s the strange thing— this is the 4th death of someone I know in less that a year. Maybe that’s not an extremely high rate, but I’ve never had other years like this. I understand that this is a fact of life and that as I age and time progresses, it will only get worse…but, why :(
I also feel like the four people who have died were some of the BEST people in the world. Seriously, I’m not exaggerating. Everyone loved these people. They were all so caring, selfless, and thoughtful—beautiful people through and through.
I’m sitting here crying. Are other people as sad for the deaths of acquaintances? A friend told me that my teacher told him in the summer that she just wanted to make it to her youngest daughter’s wedding in November. (She died of brain cancer.) This literally just kills me. It hits so close to home because my sister got married last Sunday and I just sobbed because it was so beautiful. It was so amazing to see someone I love be so happy. She just found who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and that display of love was something to be in awe about. It must be so so rewarding as a mother to see the happiness of your daughter or son. After all, as a parent, don’t you just want to see that your child is happy and has found someone to be happy with for the rest of his/her life, even after you’re gone. I imagine that to be immensely fulfilling and to think that Mrs. Knipel just missed it by that much. It kills me.
Life is circular— I know. It’s just that this increase in the number of deaths that I actually know personally is jolting and aggravating. This might be a little crass, but I feel helpless as death picks people off one by one. What am I supposed to do? I know, nothing.
Being the self-centered mf i am, every time this happens, I think about life in general and my life specifically. What am I trying to do? What am I trying to achieve? How can I be more like these wonderful people? What makes me cry for Mrs. Knipel when we haven’t spoken for 6, maybe 7 years? She definitely would not have remembered me— though, Mrs. Knipel was one of those people who would pleasantly surprise you by knowing exactly who you are. She remembered my sister even though she had my sister 9 years prior to having me. She sometimes called me Vicky.
I hate hate hate hate this. Though I would like to think that Mrs. Knipel is smiling knowing that she made such a widespread impact.